It occurred to me, on my recent flight from London to Sanford, that there's a story which is very important to me which I've nevertheless not told anyone properly. With the benefit of hindsight, I feel it's important that I should get it all out here and now, and hopefully draw a line under the whole shameful business.
Regular readers and personal friends already know of my recent relocation and some of its consequences. However, this is merely the tip of the iceberg of last year's events. December was an interesting, and in many ways very long month to say the least.
Thursday, December 1st 2005 was a typical day in Somerset - overcast, cool but not particularly cold and with showers throughout the day. I was working in the office in Yeovil that day, as was my colleague and friend Kim. Kim had joined the firm in the previous January, from another local firm, but the first time we'd properly spent any time together was when we went to London together for a one-day course on July 14th. This was the one-week anniversary of the 7/7 tragedy, and I felt very strongly that we should take the Tube in defiance of the terrorist threat - so, despite her protests, we did. And we got on very well that day. The following week we spent together working at a client, and I actually went back to her flat for dinner at least one evening.
After that, exam study and work kept us apart (we were taking different qualifications, so weren't at college together) for a while. We both came back into the office in November, and our friendship resumed. It was quite obvious to most people that it might be more than just a friendship, and rumors began to circulate although, at the time, they held no truth. The first indication I got was when she wrote to me, telling me simply that she missed me when I wasn't with her. I found out that she first started to think of me as more than just a friend was when I visited here while she was staying away at college; something changed between us that evening, and I received a text when I got home saying that next time I visited I should stay the night.
Let us return to December 1st, 2005. Somehow, English winter weather has a way of starting to rain at exactly lunchtime, and so it was that day. Luckily, I had a large umbrella with me, so Kim and I huddled under it and made for the nearest sandwich shop. We returned to the office, where I was helping her study for her upcoming exams. Like almost every time I tried to help her study, we actually ended up talking about other stuff instead.
2 o'clock came around remarkably quickly, and all of a sudden we were all called downstairs to the main area on the ground floor. A carefully worded statement was read by the office Managing Partner, to the effect that the office would close early in the New Year. Quel horreur! We were then told we could go home. As it happened, I was having my car windshield replaced that day, so Kim drove me round to the glass place to get my car. We were both pretty much in shock, and upset, and she didn't say a word to me as I left; I offered to stay with her but she waved me away.
For the both of us, this was the worst possible time it could have happened. We both had important exams in December, and such an announcement and future uncertainty were hardly conducive to focussed study. Kim was particularly unsure about hers, as she had not had sufficient time to study owing to work commitments. So I took to going over to her place several times a week to help her out, and she would come visit me at my parents' place. We studied together, cooked for each other, complained about stuff, watched TV. And other things as well. The first time she came to my house, she said those three little words to me - and I have no doubt she meant them.
Later, we went to see the Human League together when, during the song Human, she became so overwhelmed with emotion that her whole body became literally too hot to touch, and she almost fainted. I wrote a song for her (at her request); when I later performed it, she broke down uncontrollably. We did all the normal stuff people do, too.
It seemed perfect, except that like in every movie Hugh Grant ever starred in, there was a huge fly in the ointment. In fact, the whole thing was more like a very large fly with a speck of ointment on it, but never mind. You see, throughout this whole débacle (and I was completely aware of this) she had a boyfriend who she had been with for 5 years. Things were not going well at all between them, it must be said, and that had been the case for some while before I arrived on the scene.
In the aftermath of our office announcement, we were both in a similar position. We both had December exams, with results in the New Year, and therefore no ability to take any action on the future until the results were in. We both had time off to study, and I basically devoted every hour of day and night to getting her through her (very tough) exams. Her boyfriend was no use whatsoever, and seemed almost entirely uncaring. I effectively ran myself into the ground to help her learn what she needed, stay confident and sane and, most importantly, keep going. Often I would get less than an hour's sleep a night because I would be on the phone to her, or driving over there (she lived 25 miles away). My own exam was pretty much unimportant - keeping Kim going was all I cared about. This is the part I feel least ashamed of, because I am convinced that without me she would not have got through it. As it was, she got the pass mark in all three papers, and I must have spent several days with her on each one, not including moral support etc.
As soon as our exams were over (just before Christmas) it all went wrong. Cynics would argue that I had outlived my usefulness; perhaps there was an element of that. On Christmas Eve, we went bowling together and then to lunch. I dropped her off in the afternoon at her place, and was suddenly, unaccountably overtaken by a wave of despair and sadness, and I broke down. I knew something terrible was about to happen, but I knew exactly what it was.
As it turned out, later that evening her boyfriend pulled out a ring and proposed to her. I'm told she considered it for some time, but eventually said 'yes'. It's a bit of a mystery to me - they were clearly in some difficulty before, but a large diamond seemed to put paid to all the problems. Maybe I didn't see it all clearly; who knows? I was about to go off to Florida for Andrew and Amber's wedding, which she knew; therefore, she decided that it would be better if she kept this from me until I got back so as to "not ruin my holiday". I guess this was well-meaning, if misguided; eventually, however, my conviction about what had happened was so strong that I just called her up and made her tell me.
I do feel an incredible sense of shame about the whole thing. Admittedly, I didn't instigate it exactly; I was completely in love and did what I felt was best at the time. However, the whole fact that I was essentially attempting to persuade her to leave her long-term boyfriend does worry me a lot. I feel I acted somewhat immorally, although I was "just responding to my feelings". On the one hand, I feel she might not have survived the whole thing without me; on the other, it's never acceptable to try and break up an established couple, and it's certainly not something I would ever actively seek to do ever again.
So it was that I went off to Florida with my heart smashed and no idea where to go next. My job and the love of my life had both been taken from me within the space of a month; I felt as if I no longer had a home which could offer me anything. I still feel that my home town, much as I love it, has betrayed me both professionally and personally. The one certainty, going forward, is that I really do want to move to the United States. It's late now, so I must go to bed - but more on this story later.
Regular readers and personal friends already know of my recent relocation and some of its consequences. However, this is merely the tip of the iceberg of last year's events. December was an interesting, and in many ways very long month to say the least.
Thursday, December 1st 2005 was a typical day in Somerset - overcast, cool but not particularly cold and with showers throughout the day. I was working in the office in Yeovil that day, as was my colleague and friend Kim. Kim had joined the firm in the previous January, from another local firm, but the first time we'd properly spent any time together was when we went to London together for a one-day course on July 14th. This was the one-week anniversary of the 7/7 tragedy, and I felt very strongly that we should take the Tube in defiance of the terrorist threat - so, despite her protests, we did. And we got on very well that day. The following week we spent together working at a client, and I actually went back to her flat for dinner at least one evening.
After that, exam study and work kept us apart (we were taking different qualifications, so weren't at college together) for a while. We both came back into the office in November, and our friendship resumed. It was quite obvious to most people that it might be more than just a friendship, and rumors began to circulate although, at the time, they held no truth. The first indication I got was when she wrote to me, telling me simply that she missed me when I wasn't with her. I found out that she first started to think of me as more than just a friend was when I visited here while she was staying away at college; something changed between us that evening, and I received a text when I got home saying that next time I visited I should stay the night.
Let us return to December 1st, 2005. Somehow, English winter weather has a way of starting to rain at exactly lunchtime, and so it was that day. Luckily, I had a large umbrella with me, so Kim and I huddled under it and made for the nearest sandwich shop. We returned to the office, where I was helping her study for her upcoming exams. Like almost every time I tried to help her study, we actually ended up talking about other stuff instead.
2 o'clock came around remarkably quickly, and all of a sudden we were all called downstairs to the main area on the ground floor. A carefully worded statement was read by the office Managing Partner, to the effect that the office would close early in the New Year. Quel horreur! We were then told we could go home. As it happened, I was having my car windshield replaced that day, so Kim drove me round to the glass place to get my car. We were both pretty much in shock, and upset, and she didn't say a word to me as I left; I offered to stay with her but she waved me away.
For the both of us, this was the worst possible time it could have happened. We both had important exams in December, and such an announcement and future uncertainty were hardly conducive to focussed study. Kim was particularly unsure about hers, as she had not had sufficient time to study owing to work commitments. So I took to going over to her place several times a week to help her out, and she would come visit me at my parents' place. We studied together, cooked for each other, complained about stuff, watched TV. And other things as well. The first time she came to my house, she said those three little words to me - and I have no doubt she meant them.
Later, we went to see the Human League together when, during the song Human, she became so overwhelmed with emotion that her whole body became literally too hot to touch, and she almost fainted. I wrote a song for her (at her request); when I later performed it, she broke down uncontrollably. We did all the normal stuff people do, too.
It seemed perfect, except that like in every movie Hugh Grant ever starred in, there was a huge fly in the ointment. In fact, the whole thing was more like a very large fly with a speck of ointment on it, but never mind. You see, throughout this whole débacle (and I was completely aware of this) she had a boyfriend who she had been with for 5 years. Things were not going well at all between them, it must be said, and that had been the case for some while before I arrived on the scene.
In the aftermath of our office announcement, we were both in a similar position. We both had December exams, with results in the New Year, and therefore no ability to take any action on the future until the results were in. We both had time off to study, and I basically devoted every hour of day and night to getting her through her (very tough) exams. Her boyfriend was no use whatsoever, and seemed almost entirely uncaring. I effectively ran myself into the ground to help her learn what she needed, stay confident and sane and, most importantly, keep going. Often I would get less than an hour's sleep a night because I would be on the phone to her, or driving over there (she lived 25 miles away). My own exam was pretty much unimportant - keeping Kim going was all I cared about. This is the part I feel least ashamed of, because I am convinced that without me she would not have got through it. As it was, she got the pass mark in all three papers, and I must have spent several days with her on each one, not including moral support etc.
As soon as our exams were over (just before Christmas) it all went wrong. Cynics would argue that I had outlived my usefulness; perhaps there was an element of that. On Christmas Eve, we went bowling together and then to lunch. I dropped her off in the afternoon at her place, and was suddenly, unaccountably overtaken by a wave of despair and sadness, and I broke down. I knew something terrible was about to happen, but I knew exactly what it was.
As it turned out, later that evening her boyfriend pulled out a ring and proposed to her. I'm told she considered it for some time, but eventually said 'yes'. It's a bit of a mystery to me - they were clearly in some difficulty before, but a large diamond seemed to put paid to all the problems. Maybe I didn't see it all clearly; who knows? I was about to go off to Florida for Andrew and Amber's wedding, which she knew; therefore, she decided that it would be better if she kept this from me until I got back so as to "not ruin my holiday". I guess this was well-meaning, if misguided; eventually, however, my conviction about what had happened was so strong that I just called her up and made her tell me.
I do feel an incredible sense of shame about the whole thing. Admittedly, I didn't instigate it exactly; I was completely in love and did what I felt was best at the time. However, the whole fact that I was essentially attempting to persuade her to leave her long-term boyfriend does worry me a lot. I feel I acted somewhat immorally, although I was "just responding to my feelings". On the one hand, I feel she might not have survived the whole thing without me; on the other, it's never acceptable to try and break up an established couple, and it's certainly not something I would ever actively seek to do ever again.
So it was that I went off to Florida with my heart smashed and no idea where to go next. My job and the love of my life had both been taken from me within the space of a month; I felt as if I no longer had a home which could offer me anything. I still feel that my home town, much as I love it, has betrayed me both professionally and personally. The one certainty, going forward, is that I really do want to move to the United States. It's late now, so I must go to bed - but more on this story later.
No comments:
Post a Comment